Assuage your money stress through family communication
April 14, 2024
Plenty of us worry we've messed up our kids about money, or are anxious we don't see eye to eye with our significant others on all money issues, or fear we've made stupid money decisions at times.
Well, quit worrying, stop being anxious and have no fear: You most certainly messed up your kids, torqued off your partner and made dumb, dare I say horrible, money choices. Those aren't problems. The problem is when you don't think you have money issues. There is a word for that: delusional.
While our money lives are probably manageable, we are still mostly powerless when it comes to money always maintaining its "proper" role in those lives. So let's talk about what you can do that has proven useful in harnessing this money beast.
Family meetings. When you are thinking about how you want your assets distributed, you'll need to eventually have a family meeting (with or without your adult children's partners). The purpose of the meeting is to discuss how you wish to distribute your estate as well as go through important details like health care directives, powers of attorney and any insurance or financial agents you use. It's also a time to explain any trusts that you've established, how you have or have not included charity in your plans and describe how you are preparing for your long-term care.
In essence, it's communicating how you have thought about money and the choices you have made as well as your distinction between equal and equitable. It also a time to grant permission for the children to eventually sell items once important to you that might not fit their lives. You can also express shared values and family experiences.
Not including spouses can be most difficult if your adult children are in challenging marriages (just the time when you would prefer to not have their spouses participate). It is ultimately your decision, although it is important to be aware this can mean your children have to navigate the fallout from it. The family meeting, if facilitated well, creates opportunities for the children to ask questions and could lead to additional meetings. In the first meeting, at least, you don't need to include exact financial numbers, but ranges can be helpful.
Monthly meetings. We expect the other person in our relationships to read our money thoughts, and then we are frustrated when they don't act in line with those. We ascribe our negative reasons for their behavior, rendering the guilty verdict without providing their day in court. So a monthly meeting is a nonconfrontational way to gain a better understanding of each of your wants and actions.
Curiosity replaces judgment. For some, the monthly meeting is best done on a walk, where partners are side by side rather than face to face. Once a quarter, go through your balance sheet and cash flow, objective measures of what you have and where you are choosing to dedicate your resources. Monthly meetings are the time to share what is important to you and why.
This is not an opportunity to scold but a chance to listen to each other about what you have done you feel good about and what you wish you would have done differently. Don't just criticize how much you've spent on groceries: Develop an understanding of what's involved in running the house. The meeting is collaborative rather than combative. That's not always easy when our relationship issues often play out through money.
Three-day rule. The best way to control your own impulses around money is by establishing a rule regarding purchases of a certain amount. The number will depend on your budget, but the concept is valid for everyone. Before you make what you consider to be a big money decision, sit on it for a few days.
Use those days to explore it, not ignore it. Try to understand what you think you are gaining from the purchase as well as what you will be losing. Some bigger decisions might require more time. For example, one of our couples used a three-week rule to better understand what they wanted (and did not want) from the home remodel they were planning.
Money is an important part of our lives, so dealing directly with it can help you avoid worry, anxiety and fear.
- Ross Levin
This article originally appeared in the Minneapolis Star Tribune on April 14, 2024